I can't express it any better

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Co5YYjaFia8

It's not the answer I wanted, but you need to be happy, even if it's not here with me.

and I thought I was pig headed (well, I am)

So Nancy's car is not in great shape. Recently she found out she needs brakes and tires very badly. I shopped around a bit for decent tires and brakes for her. I found one of the places we work with that would do it for $600. I know I can find the parts cheaper, but I trust these guys to do quality work and use parts they'd be comfortable putting on their familes cars. That was quite a bit beyond her budget for a couple months. She said she found a place that would do it cheaper. I told her I'd pay for it out of my paycheck and she can pay me back when she gets the money. She said no. I told her she didn't have to pay me back at all. She got mad. I told her I just wanted her and Katie to be safe. Brakes and tires are important safety items. I don't like the idea of going with the cheapest quote you can find. She said she made a decision and it was final, and I should stop being such a chauvanist pig. I know better than to keep pressing my luck at times like that, but I just really hate the idea of people I care about that much getting into a car with bad tires and brakes. I worry about them.

I am a dark, jaded, cynical person. I have been pretty much as long as I can remember. Every so often I start to see what I'm missing. I start deciding I should accept that people are a lot better than I give them credit for, and start looking at things in a more positive light. Without fail shortly thereafter, something happens to more than justify my lack of faith in humanity. It'll be a long time before I make that mistake again.

Went to the Irish Fair yesterday. It was a good time as usual. Wandered around, watching performances, and even more, watched people. Very interesting group, and a couple of outfits that are hard to describe, but easy to enjoy. ;)

Got home and there was a message from Nancy and Katie. I called back and we went out for a late lunch. Katie gave me a nice hug. She's growing up fast. After that I hit the Saturday evening service.

Looking in the church bulletin, I noticed they were having part two of 'the sound Christian family', covering such topics as 'the husbands role as head of the family'. I just got back from that. I'm guessing I won't be invited back for part three. I asked a few questions, ruffled more than a few feathers, and generally tried to point out a slightly different way. I guess I just don't understand the pressing need to be 'in charge' in a relationship. Seems to be way too much of a show, and I'd rather have relationships based on substance than appearance.

I was absolutely, positively, head over heels in love once. Her name was Kathy. We had the worlds worst first date. I was positive there'd never be a second date. I was wrong. I ended up buying an engagement ring. February 7, 1997 she was killed by a drunk driver. I was devastated. For years I was pretty much useless for a few weeks around that date.
Kathy had a kid sister, Jenny. When I first met her, she was a tomboy to say the least. Playing baseball, riding bikes on the dirt track, etc. Some days when I got off work before Kathy did, I'd head over to the ballfields and watch Jenny play. If we had time, I'd take her out for a soda or to the Dairy Queen. We'd go back to Kathy's and hang out. Sometimes she even talked Kathy into bringing her along if we went somewhere. One day Kathy and I had an argument. I said something incredibly stupid, she brought up past stupidities, I got defensive, and viola! instant argument. We each headed back to our own place to cool down. Apparently Jenny really tore into her because Kathy called laughing hysterically saying Jenny had a crush on me. After we got that straightened out a bit, things were good again, until Kathy died. After that, I tried to keep an eye on jenny because I knew how close they had been. I knew what I was feeling, but I couldn't imagine what she must have been going through. We kept in close contact over the years. I saw her in her prom dress before anyone except her mom, I met her date in the driveway that night to make sure he understood how to behave. June 12, 2003 I found out Jenny was hit by a drunk driver. She was in the hospital for ten days. She got out June 22 and was starting to recover. She was doing well each time I saw her that week. I went camping with some friends that weekend. I got back in town to a message on my machine that she passed away on the 28th. I lost it again. The woman I loved, and now her kid sister. How could they both die like that? It wasn't fair. I'm doing a lot better the last couple years, but some days I really miss them both, especially around the anniversary of their deaths.

I recently shared my view of love with a small group of family and friends. They seemed a bit angry that I was in fact, even more jaded and cynical than they had suspected.

That said, if you happen across Amy Lee (she of the group Evanescence), kindly inform her that yes, I will father her children. She has a voice to make a grown man believe in angels. I'm particularly fond of her duet (with Seether) Broken, and You Never Call Me When You're Sober. For her, and Pauly Perrette, I would hereby be willing to reconsider my views on love. Other than that, don't get your hopes up.

Not the best way to handle a situation

Back in my younger days, I had a bit of a temper. I still do, but it flares less often. In college I started learning fighting might not be the answer. (Partly because I lost several) About that time, I met an awesome woman. Over a few months I started developing more than a passing interest in awesome woman. To my disappointment, she only saw me as a friend. Over the rest of the year, I watched two guys in a row break her heart. We kept in touch over the summer, and as the next year began, she met guy #3. I didn't know him other than in passing, so I figured my initial distaste was mostly due to him being the object of her affection. After a few months he showed his true colors and hurt her on several levels. Around this time awesome woman and I had a misunderstanding resulting in me getting the silent treatment. One day I was in the weight room working on the stationary bikes when guy #3 walked in. I had visions of a horrible weightlifting accident about to happen, but decided I needed to let it go. He started making small talk, and I tried to be civil. He asked how awesome woman was, and I said I'm not sure, since she hadn't spoken to me for a couple of days. That's when he decided we had some sort of bond. He started sharing details of the things he did to hurt her, saying how glad he was he 'got in, got out'. Weightlifting accident flashbacks started creeping back into my head, but I ignored it. Getting dressed in the locker rooms, he said we should hang out sometime, talking about the wild and crazy times we could have. He said he'd do anything to win a bet, and gave some examples. I bet him $10 on the spot he couldn't fit into one of the lockers enough to close the door. He climbed in, closed the door and said "you owe me $10 sucker!" with a huge grin on his face. I calmly snapped a padlock on the door and slid $10 through one of the holes and told him "You earned it, oh, by the way, when you get out of there, if you ever mess with awesome woman again, you'll wish you were locked back in here."

I just don't learn

"I know a girl who would be perfect for you."

I should have taken off for the hills at those words. Instead, we talked, and I agreed to let her set me up with this woman. We meet, exchange pleasantries, seems nice enough, but she looks a bit on the young side. Eventually I ask her how old she is. "19, well technically 18, but I'll be 19 next week." Crimony, I was out of High School when she was born! Not wanting to just cut and run, we went to dinner. She seemed amused when I opened doors and held her chair out for her. Several times in the course of the conversation I had to explain people or events to her that I had referenced. (Bernie Goetz, Carol Alt, The fall of the Berlin Wall, and Milton Berle amongst others) I spent way too much time thinking I'm getting old. At one point as we drove to the nightclub she asked "is something wrong?" I asked what she meant, she said "well, you haven't tried to make a move on me yet. I've never had that happen before, don't you think I'm sexy?" I told her she was very attractive, but a bit young and I'm not one who moves very fast in that area. She mentioned that younger women had some advantages, especially in bed, "which you'll find out tonight." I politely excused myself. There are so many things wrong with that situation in my mind:

a) I'd feel like a pedophile.

b) I'm a huge fan of sex, but after having known each other for a whole two and a half hours, that sexual tension hadn't had much chance to build.

c) 19 year olds looking to 'finally find someone to settle down with' raise a red flag with me. I think it's the 'finally' part that bothers me most. The idea that I've gone without sex longer than the total time she's been allowed to date people, and she's thinking she's been doing this a long time already.



I'm getting too old for this stuff.

If you really want to know

For some reason, there is one person I can refuse nothing. She has requested me to do this. It is one of those 'set your iPod on random and elaborate on the first 10 songs that play' things that goes around a lot. Well, I don't have an iPod, but the cd I burned has exactly 10 tracks on it, so it'll have to do.



1) The Unforgiven II, by Metallica

Lay beside me, tell me what they've done

Speak the words I want to hear, to make my demons run



This song reminds me that no matter how dark things get, there is always hope.



2) Hero, by Chad Kroeger and Josey Scott

I am so high, I can hear Heaven

I am so high, I can hear Heaven

But Heaven, no Heaven don't hear me



This was on the Spider Man soundtrack, and Spidey was someone I related to in a way. At least until they took the cosmic 'kick me' sign off his back.



3) Blinded By the Light, by Manfred Mann (NOT the Springsteen version)

Madman drummers bummers, Indians in the summer with a teenage diplomat

In the dumps with the mumps as the adolescent pumps his way into his hat



The song that was playing the very first time I gave a girl a rose



4) Bat Out of Hell, by Meat Loaf

Oh baby you're the only thing in this whole world that's pure and good and right

And wherever you are and wherever you go there's always gonna be some light



One person may not be anything in the grand scheme of life, but to me she was everything. You are, were, and forever will be my light.



5) I Stand Alone, by Godsmack

And now its my time (now its my time)

It's my time to dream (my time to dream)

Dream of the sky (dream of the sky)

Make me believe that this place isn't plaguedBy the poison in me



This has been an anthem of mine from the first time I heard the song. I keep to myself a lot. Too many good people in my life have been hurt, and for a long time, the only common thread I saw was me.



6) Midnight Rider, by the Allman Brothers

Well, Ive got to run to keep from hiding,

And Im bound to keep on riding.

And Ive got one more silver dollar,



I had a good friend,we used to get ourselves in all sorts of odd situations. The more ridiculous or in some cases dangerous the situation, the closer we became. We used to want to know if the other would be there when things got ugly. For some reason, instead of just asking each other directly, we started asking "have you got, one more silver dollar?", and responding "not gonna let 'em catch, the Midnight Rider" R.I.P. Greens



7) Beth, by KISS

Beth, I know you're lonely, And I hope you'll be alright

'Cause me and the boys will be playin' All night



Those last two lines made me love this song. Finally, someone who didn't break up the band!





8) Lowlife (livin' the High life) Kid Rock (yeah, I know it's originally a John Eddie song, but I'm a Kid Rock mark, sue me)

Ahh the landlord called the rent is due

I spent it all on a Kiss tattoo

I Rock n Roll all night



I just get pumped up when a Kid Rock song starts.



9) Red, White, and Blue by Lynyrd Skynyrd

I ain't been no angel, But even God, he understands.

Sometimes that one line gives me more hope than I have a right to.

10) This Night, by Billy Joel

And so we danced
Though it was only a slow dance
I started breaking my promises
Right there and then

This is forever, our song.

Hmm

After two weeks of telling her, she took the test last night. She's pregnant. She's got a lot of figuring out to do.

The following was my response to a 'girls don't want nice guys' thread. I used to post threads like that myself.


I don't know of any woman (or man for that matter) outside of a clearly defined BDSM scene who wants to be hit, shoved, abused, used, or thrown away. Too many guys try to play the 'nice guy' card. It's a warning flag, just like somebody coming up and telling you how humble/modest they are. The ones playing the nice guy card tend to be doormats. Not always, but way too often. If a woman asks him "where should we go tonight?" They either make some non decision like 'anywhere is fine, as long as I'm with you', or they make a suggestion and when the woman makes a different suggestion, they immediately cave rather than discuss it. They see 'nice' as I don't beat up women, I don't get them drunk and take advantage, I don't cheat. Like they should get some kind of special recognition for that. Women like confidence in a man, it's difficult to project that when they're afraid to offer a damn opinion or make a decision. There is a huge difference between throwing a woman on the ground,tearing her clothes off, and forcing yourself on her while she screams no, and giving her a kiss on the lips without stopping to ask permission first. Too many guys have been brainwashed into not doing a dang thing without the expressed written consent of the woman, and fail to read the body laguage signs they are given. Or even worse, the 'nice guy' goes so overboard he becomes smothering. Calling multiple times a day 'just because I'm thinking about you', wanting to be together every night, paranoid if she goes out with other friends, needing constant reassurance.

I know because I was a poster boy for the 'nice guy'syndrome.

Old habits die hard

Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.

I don't talk much about personal growth, because I fail miserably at it the bulk of the time. I've got a short temper, the rules I set for myself are not very flexible. The last few weeks have not been easy for me. Three situations have come up that have brutally tested my temper. Two times I walked away. One I could not. There was probably another alternative in that situation, there almost always is. I'm not good at recognizing that sometimes, especially on days ending with 'y'. Armed with that knowledge, yesterday and today are lost causes, my only real chance for improvement lies with tomorrow. I have to keep working, but progress is slow.

St Valentine's Day Massacre

I helped some friends set up a Valentine's party for their wives tonight. It was supposed to be a fun time, I was playing music, they had food. (the hot wings were awesome!) The couples were enjoying themselves, romance was in the air. I wouldn't be surprised if several couples saw some action. One of the couples seemed a bit awkward. They talked to other couples stayed a bit apart, spent a bit of time on their cell phones. Then it happened. Another guy showed up and started hanging out with the woman. It kept getting more and more aqdult themed. Eventually they left amidst a storm of controversy. The guy who was left there eventually took off, somewhat distraught would be an understatement. I guess it was a memorable ight, just not in the way we were hoping for.

so Tuesday at midnight it was 36 degrees out after a high of 43 Monday. By the end of Tuesday it was -13. Today was just as cold, with windchills of around -40. I was driving home from work, stopped to see a friend at her job. It was dead slow there, so I talked to her and her co worker for a bit. After a while, my friend went in the back for a few minutes. I noticed she left her keys there, so I grabbed them and ran outside to start her car. It started hard, but it got going, I moved it up by the door and came back in where I could keep an eye on it. As they closed the place up, I handed her the remote for her doors and told her I'd walk her out. She said that was okay, she had to warm the car up, and was giving her co worker a ride home anyways. I told her the car was warmed up already. She gave me a hug and told me I'd make a good husband some day. I told her not to get her hopes up, and I don't put out on the first date. I got thwapped.

Skip this post, it's a rant

No one deserves to get raped. God does not punish people by letting them get raped. Spreading garbage like that is a very fast way to get on my bad side. Spreading garbage like that to someone I care about who has lived through that is an instant ticket to my bad side. I held her hand in the exam room. I tried to be there as she worked so hard to put her life back together. I saw the fear, heard her wake up screaming, hugged her as she had flashbacks. She is a good person, miles ahead of me in that department, and I refuse to let you try to poison her mind and make her doubt herself all over again for something that is in NO WAY her fault.

Criminal Mind?...or dry cleaning Baritone?

"Paul, you never smile, you're like that guy on Criminal Minds" (note: I had previously mentioned to her that he was one of my favorite characters.)

That's not true, kind of like Martin Tanner, that's just the side I show the world.

Who the heck is that guy?

You're joking, right? Wait, you really don't know who he is? Ok, I'll tell you his story:
*I start singing, and not well*

Mister Tanner was a cleaner from a town in the Midwest. And of all the cleaning shops around he'd made his the best. But he also was a baritone who sang while hanging clothes. He practiced scales while pressing tails and sang at local shows. His friends and neighbors praised the voice that poured out from his throat. They said that he should use his gift instead of cleaning coats. But music was his life, it was not his livelihood,and it made him feel so happy and it made him feel so good. And he sang from his heart and he sang from his soul. He did not know how well he sang; It just made him whole.

His friends kept working on him to try music out full time. A big debut and rave reviews, a great career to climb. Finally they got to him, he would take the fling. A concert agent in New York agreed to have him sing. And there were plane tickets, phone calls, money spent to rent the hall. It took most of his savings but he gladly used them all. But music was his life, it was not his livelihood,and it made him feel so happy and it made him feel so good. And he sang from his heart and he sang from his soul. He did not know how well he sang; It just made him whole.

The evening came, he took the stage, his face set in a smile. And in the half filled hall the critics sat watching on the aisle. But the concert was a blur to him, spatters of applause. He did not know how well he sang, he only heard the flaws. But the critics were concise, it only took four lines. But no one could accuse them of being over kind.

(spoken) Mr. Martin Tanner, Baritone, of Dayton, Ohio made hisTown Hall debut last night. He came well prepared, but unfortunatelyhis presentation was not up to contemporary professional standards. His voice lacks the range of tonal color necessary to make itconsistently interesting.

(sung) Full time consideration of another endeavor might be in order.

He came home to Dayton and was questioned by his friends. Then he smiled and just said nothing and he never sang again,excepting very late at night when the shop was dark and closed. He sang softly to himself as he sorted through the clothes. Music was his life, it was not his livelihood,and it made him feel so happy and it made him feel so good. And he sang from his heart and he sang from his soul. (And) he did not know how well he sang; It just made him whole.

*confused look* What in the blazes are you talking about?

I'm like Mr Tanner. In public, I don't smile, but at home I have a big cheesy grin that I don't let anyone else see anymore. I kind of wish I were more like Aaron Hotchner though, it'd be cool to break down people like he does by getting in their heads.

You're messed up.

You're just finding that out now? I thought the 'I brake for hotties' bumper sticker was a dead giveaway.